Starlight

I don’t remember the last time I stood outside. The cool grass tickles my bare toes. The wind kisses my eyelids and dances with my hair. Such softness caressing the skin below my eyes, dried raw by the salt of my tears. They are always flowing, it seems. The smell of the ocean travels on the wind. I hear the waves breaking on the cliffs. They fill me, reverberating inside my body as if they were crashing on my bones, wearing them down to sand the way they do the rocks down below.

I open my eyes and drink in everything around me. I want to hold it all in my mind and never let it go. Even in the darkness, I can sense the lushness of the pear trees, the pines, the grass and the flower gardens. Such beauty cradles my home, yet now fails to move me.

I feel the pull of the sky, as I always have. And as they always have, my eyes find my star, the one that’s not as bright as the north star, nor part of any constellation, and yet is undoubtedly mine. It calls to me.

I should be sleeping, resting…I’m so, so tired. I can no longer recall a night that wasn’t sleepless. The emptiness that consumes me starves my heart, my stomach, my soul. Nothing fills me anymore. So, if I’m going to be awake and empty, I might as well give in to the welcoming vastness above me. Besides, my star is waiting tonight, I can feel it. Aren’t you, my old friend?

I’ve been waiting for many, many nights. But you don’t care anymore. You won’t speak to me anymore.

I’ve had little to say.

You always have something to say to me. I see it in you, even now.

My mind forgets now. My thoughts have been dark and blurry. Even you wouldn’t have known what to make of them.

You have been hiding. You wouldn’t let me see you. You don’t care to see me.

I’ve been lost in darkness. My curtains have been drawn for days… or months. I don’t know. We couldn’t see one another because I’m now darkness, and you’re light.

I light the darkness. You know this. You have been selfish. You forgot.

I did. I forgot everything. I still can’t remember most things. In truth, I don’t even know why I’m here now. It’s home, but I’m a stranger. I left the darkness of my room to remember how it feels to be in your company, but the darkness holds onto me from inside me still. The Beast lurks. But I do remember sitting on the cliff, talking to you through so many nights. I remember telling you everything: my ideas, my dreams, my fears… I remember the way you made whatever poured out of me shine.

You sought me out, once. You knew I would help you bring your dreams to light. You knew I’d help you think things through. You knew I am the true guide of your imagination. Now look at you. You are dull, lifeless, sleepless… Nothing but darkness grows within you, now. You need me. You were wrong to leave me.

I didn’t leave you.

You abandoned me.

No. No, but the Beast loves me only when I’m shrouded in darkness. So, I lost myself. I stumbled down a lightless path with no way back. Instead of starlight and sea breeze, I walk with nightmares and monsters. Even now, I feel their claws digging into my skin. They whisper to me in the dark, they hold me in a cage that I can’t see. I didn’t leave you: they took me. The Beast made sure of it.

But you are here now. Have they set you free, these monsters? I see you before me, let us talk as we once did.

Not tonight, sweet star.

See, you did leave me. You don’t want me anymore.

I love you dearly, old friend, but not tonight. I’m too tired. The nights have been dark and dangerous. My heart is spent, my soul anxious. I have no dreams or ideas to share with you tonight. I’m only here as I am: empty. All I can do is look at your beautiful light. All I can feel is the warmth of a familiar old friend.

My friend. You are out of the darkness and into the beautiful night. Come, walk with me.

Why not? I’m already out.

I follow my feet, feeling blades of grass fold beneath them with every step, such softness after the worn-out floorboards I’ve been pacing. I walk beyond the trees and the garden until I find my usual spot. The one on the big rock by the edge of the cliff, overlooking the sea. The rock I like to sit on when I look at my star on the horizon.

I wish I could do this every night.

You can. All you need to do is open those curtains and I will call to you, as I always have.

I wish I could.

Why couldn’t you?

The Beast won’t let me. I’m not so free anymore. My youth and innocence have been devoured. My beauty disappears with every line drawn on my face by burden and pain. Tonight is a treat, truly, but I know the darkness isn’t done with me.

I sit atop my rock, arms wrapped around my knees. I see not only my star, but every other star in the sky reflected into the sea. An infinity of flowing lights dancing in the night. I yearn to feel as content as I once did in this place. My old haven doesn’t quite feel like it used to.

There’s more of me to be broken still. I can tell they’re still hungry. Look, there, do you see it to the East?

What should I see in the East? Nothing but sky and land and, eventually, more sea.

That’s it, right there in the sky. The clouds. Dark and heavy and blowing our way as we speak. Soon, they’ll separate us.

Clouds cannot undo me. Just wait out the storm and I will be right here when they move on to the next corner of the sky.

No. These clouds are meant for me. They’re meant to remind me I’m to be cloaked in storm. They follow me into my dreams. They cover my eyes, my ears, my mouth. They have no beginning, no end. We’re becoming one.

Your dreams have darkened so. Where is the girl who wondered if she could tame the wild horses? Where is the sweet child who made up stories of rabbits hopping over mountains with a single, mighty leap? Where is the woman who dreamt up romance and starlight and great summer dances?

She was torn apart in that house. Dreams take on new shapes when they’re beaten with sticks. Dances slow to a stop when feet are broken and dresses torn to shreds. This night is sweet, though. I’m happy to be with my old friend, to talk with you once again, even if it isn’t as lighthearted as before.

This night is bitter. I see my old friend, but do not recognize her. I hear a mighty sadness poisoning her voice. Come back to me. Please, won’t you just come back to me?

I’d try, but you’re so far away, up in the sky. So far away, I don’t know how to reach you as I once did. I’m not as light as I used to be. My mind won’t travel with me as it used to. I can’t jump so high, I’m too tired. I can’t climb to you, I’m so heavy.

I am not so far as you think. You can reach me, I know it. You do not need to climb, you do not need to leap into the sky. See, look at the water below. There I am, the same me, the same glow. You can reach me. All you need to do is dive down, reach deep.

I don’t know if I’m ready.

I will hold you in my light, always. You will rest, you will heal. You will be free to dance with me again.

That sounds perfectly lovely.

I’ll love you, always. Come, now. No more darkness.

No more darkness.